Shelly Foshee
There is so much about the world today that negatively impacts our marriages. We have mentioned before about the difference between a contract and a covenant. A contract in today’s society has very little value. We have lawyers that can find a loop hole and get us out of it with little to no cost of ourselves. Divorce is always an option if things get too bad for us to handle.
Couples bringing this mentality into a marriage should be reminded that we are all imperfect. Newlyweds will soon find out that their spouse is unable to meet all their needs. Each of us have weaknesses that we bring in. The enchantment we have with our spouse’s strengths before the marriage, soon turns into disillusionment with their weaknesses.
Covenant is more of a biblical term that we rarely if ever use. Webster defines it as “a usually formal, solemn, and binding agreement”. A binding agreement cannot be broken. It is bound, which means “sure, obliged, determined, resolved”. While this word is part of many wedding vows, it is being used less and less.
If you have made a covenant with your spouse, you are all in. Divorce is not an option. You desire to make your marriage all that God intended it to be, This determination is because you trust Him, not your spouse. You know He has a good plan for you and your marriage.
In today’s world, we acquire an item as a consumer, and have certain expectations. If we bring that item home and find that there is a problem with it, or that we just don’t like the color, we return it. We spend our good hard earned money and want to get our money’s worth. You have zero responsibility attached to this item. Sad to say, some of us have adopted this mentality towards our marriage.
If you have the viewpoint of a consumer towards your marriage you may easily become overwhelmed by the faults of your spouse.You may even wonder if you married the wrong person. You have not! Remember the devil loves to magnify your spouses weaknesses, because he is the accuser. To stop the enemy and keep your spouse’s faults from overwhelming you, you must change your mentality. The opposite of a consumer.
If we look at scripture the very word husband is a gardeners term. A good gardener will not take back or get rid of a tree that they have purchased because its leaves start to yellow and it begins to droop. A gardener takes responsibility, rolls up his sleeves and does what is necessary to restore the plant back to health. He immediately asks himself “I wonder what I am doing to cause this?” Or, “I wonder what I can do to resolve this issue and bring health to the plant?” This is a healthy paradigm for your marriage.
His focus is not the weaknesses he sees in the plant, but on what part he might be playing in the issue and what he can do to remedy the problem he sees. We can all be thankful that Jesus has a gardeners mentality towards us. He is in no way responsible for our mistakes, problems or sin. Yet, He loves us and if we allow Him, He will nurture us to health.
Thinking and acting like a gardener towards your marriage allows us to view our spouse with optimism. You believe they will improve and therefore you are proactively intentional about caring for them. This attention is encouraging and motivating. You do this because you have hope. Hope in the One who gives hope. Through your prayers and obedience to the Holy Spirit you become a vessel He uses to shape them into the person God intended them to be.
Another analogy we could look at is renting vs. owning a home. If we were about to sign a lease and the landlord told us that there were over $50,000 in repairs coming up soon and we would be responsible for them, we would not be signing that lease! Being a short time occupant, it would be foolish to do so. However, if you owned a home and your roof started leaking, you would find a way to cover the high cost of a new roof.
I hope you can understand how damaging a renter’s mentality would be for your marriage. When your spouse’s faults are glaring you in the face you once again question your nuptials and question if your marriage will last. This way of thinking causes you to become passive towards your marriage when it needs you the most. You view your spouse as a landlord that has the total responsibility of fixing what needs to be repaired.
Be careful if you find yourself in this position, because the enemy will convince you that there is a bigger, better house for you out there. He becomes your own personal real estate agent and will take every opportunity to get you to leave.
On the other hand, if we look at our marriage through the lens of ownership, we are committed to the relationship, regardless of the circumstances. Being the opposite of passive, we roll up our sleeves, becoming proactive, aggressive and sacrificial in the face of the needed repairs. You don’t view your spouse as the landlord, but rather as a co-owner. You do not expect your husband or wife to do all the work to make things right. Understanding that the work and attention you give will have a positive impact on your relationship for years to come.
Has your attitude toward your spouse been that of a gardener or a consumer? A co-owner or a renter? Do you view the vows you made to one another a contract or a covenant? We all are being sanctified as we walk in obedience to the Holy Spirit. Pause and take a look inward. How has your marriage been impacted by your weaknesses? Stop focusing on the faults you see in your spouse, whom you do not have the power to change. Look inward, ask the Holy Spirit what changes you need to make. (Matthew 7:5) There is nothing easy about loving another flawed human being. Yet, it is what God has called us to. Because He has called us, actually commanded us to love, He will sustain us and bring it to fruition in us, if we trust Him.
Time to change your paradigm? Time to roll up your sleeves? Pull some weeds? Praying for you as you do the hard things and walk in obedience to God and His word.
On a side note, everytime I write a blog like this, I think of those that may be in an abusive situation. God does not condone that. He does not bless that. Please find help and protect yourself physically, mentally and emotionally.
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