Sex – Is it ok to say the word?

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”

Hebrews 13:4

Here we go! Let’s talk about sex. It doesn’t have to be awkward, but let’s be honest, it can be very awkward. Sadly, among Christians the conversation about sex can too often have shame attached to it. Over the next few blogs and podcasts, we want to work towards a healthy, biblical view of sex. We want to detach sex (as God intends) from shame and see it as honorable and undefiled. When sex was introduced in Scripture, we read that Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed. That’s what we pray for! God’s original intent for the marriage relationship. Every aspect of it, including sex.

If the church and evangelical community don’t talk about it where will married couples get their information about sex? The discussion about sex needs to establish realistic expectations and point us to biblical truth and move towards a selfless approach when it comes to the marriage bed. We can approach the conversation unashamedly because that’s how the Lord approached it. There are wounds to overcome and erroneous thinking that has shaped many, but we know the Lord can redeem, restore, and renew our view of sex and what it represents in marriage.

In this blog we will identify three ways that reality is quick to shatter our expectations about sex.

1. An incorrect view of human sexuality

While the church remains silent, various media platforms are broadcasting many other messages. “Men want it all the time and women never want it.” “Men only think about one thing – sex – and women never think about it.” “Manliness is measured by his sexual abilities and for a woman it’s shameful for a woman to show any desire for sexual satisfaction.” We view human sexuality incorrectly in these ways and many others. God’s design for sex included a mutual satisfaction in the sexual relationship between a husband and wife. It is God’s beautifully created differences in men and women that draws couples towards intimacy with one another in every way. Too often the differences between men and women are exaggerated and seen as barriers to intimacy. Our differences when viewed properly should complement and draw us towards one another.

2. A selfish attitude regarding sex

If sex is viewed exclusively as the one thing above all others that will satisfy my deepest needs, then we will be incredibly disappointed. If sex is approached as a personal release with no regard for mutual satisfaction it robs a married couple of the closeness that should be experienced in the relationship. Sex should not be approached in a manner that puts one’s personal needs above the other. These selfish attitudes quickly send couples on a downward spiral that affects every area of marriage.

Intimacy is never something that we impose on the other, nor should it be something we use as weapon to manipulate. It doesn’t work that way. We must cultivate intimacy in a way that shows up in the ways we express love. Physical intimacy is one of those ways we express our deep love for one another as husband and wife and can be a barometer of the health of the relationship.

A selfish attitude regarding sex creates an idol out of it. Many have looked to their spouse, and specifically to sex with their spouse for ultimate fulfillment. Looking to fill a void that only Jesus can fill.

It may be time to tear down the stronghold of the selfish motives that have gripped your view of sexuality. God intends sex to be mutually celebrated, enjoyed, and pursued. We are not minimizing very real issues whether physical, emotional, mental, or otherwise. We do encourage open conversation that maintains marriage as honorable and the bed undefiled.

Below is a quote by Oswald Chambers. Knowing God can help us move away from selfishness towards a selfless and patient pursuit of your spouse.

The man or woman who does not know God demands an infinite satisfaction from other human beings which they cannot give, and in the case of the man, he becomes tyrannical and cruel. It springs from this one thing, the human heart must have satisfaction, but there is only one Being who can satisfy the last abyss of the human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ.

Oswald Chambers

3. A lack of biblical guidance

We need clear, specific, unashamed teaching regarding sex in marriage. Teaching that includes the healthy and exposes the many ways that it has been defiled. Working through what God has to say about sex is probably going to surprise many. We should also add that there is not only a lack of biblical guidance, but also a lot of skewed teaching and interpretations of what the Bible says regarding sex.

There are passages in Scripture regarding physical intimacy that we might be reluctant to read publicly. God wasn’t ashamed to create sex, God wasn’t hesitant to write about it, and God doesn’t want us to be ignorant about the amazing gift of sex for husband and wife!

The Bible has much to say, and we can’t wait to get go on this journey together. Let’s get comfortable with saying “sex” while holding it in honor and undefiled.

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Christian Family Life is a marriage discipleship ministry. We are here to offer resources and support no matter what condition your marriage is in. Our passion is to Build, Enrich, and Reconcile Marriages.

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