A husband and wife spend more time with each other than they do with anyone else. I realize there are some extenuating circumstances, such as military service, but in most cases there is not another person on earth that we are with as much as our spouse. This gives our spouse more opportunity to hurt us, than anyone else.
Whether it is a word or action, our husband/wife not only has more potential to hurt us, but because of the relationship, can hurt us deeper than any other. With this being said, forgiveness must happen often and quickly. Scripture has much to say about forgiveness and that has been covered in another blog. Please see: https://www.christianfamilylife.com/unforgiveness-the-paralyzing-choice/
In week 6 of “Two Becoming One” ( https://www.christianfamilylife.com/product/two-becoming-one-workbook-2018/ ) it asks the question, are you a hand grenade or a land mine? Ironically, God usually puts one of each in a marital union. I believe He does this for our own good. Some of us blow up instantly, while others keep everything tucked inside until there is so much, they explode! As the years have matured us, Gray and I have learned to keep our cool and not let things build up. We have learned the importance of resolving conflict and not letting it sit too long. By doing this we close the door to the enemy. Refusing to give him access to our marriage.
In week 4, the session Gray calls “how to change your spouse”, speaks of the active force of agape love and the reactive force of blessing. https://www.christianfamilylife.com/how-do-i-change-my-spouse/ Personally, when conflict arises between us, Gray wants to resolve the issue the minute after it happens. Combing through every detail and coming to resolve. I, on the other hand, want to step back, evaluate…process through before I say my next word. Concerned I will say something I will later regret if pushed to resolve too hurriedly. Gray has learned to give me some time. I have learned to come back to the issue at hand. If I step away and process through it, finding my own resolve, I still must go back and have the hard conversation with Gray. If I do not take the time to go back and talk through the disagreement, there has not been a resolution for our marriage. I might feel fine about it, but until I walk through it with Gray, we will not be ok. The vulnerable state that lies between husband and wife is actually what can draw them closer than with any other human. Dealing with conflict in a healthy manner brings intimacy on the other side.
We have also learned that how we deal with conflict will directly impact the health of our marriage. Dealing with it in the moment can sometimes take place. Yet in deeper areas of misunderstanding or hurt we may cause more damage by immediately spewing words at each other. As we lean into God and ask for the Holy Spirit’s guidance we have learned the time frame needed for repair.
Has anyone told you as a parent to “pick and choose your battles wisely”? In other words, there will be many battles you could choose, but only bring up the big ones! We could serve ourselves well by applying this to our marriages. Nit picking on every little thing you don’t particularly like about another is not healthy for anyone. Definitely not healthy for your marriage. Evaluating whatever it is that has caused you to be offended and asking yourself “is this something I cannot live with? In the big picture of things, does this really matter? Will it hinder us from moving forward in unity?” For example, he likes the toilet paper to roll from the top and you like it to roll from the bottom. Isn’t this something I can sacrifice for the benefit of our marriage?
Forgiveness is not forgetting. But it does tell us to forgive. In forgiveness we let go of the offense and allow God to work like only He can. Forgiveness is a journey. A process that takes place over time. Because we forgive does not mean it will magically erase the memory of the hurt. Knowing that only God can heal us, we look to Him to continue to show us how to walk out forgiveness towards one another.
Forgiveness is a daily attribute of a follower of Jesus. He set the greatest example by forgiving those who nailed Him to the cross for no other reason than to give us a way of forgiveness. A path to wash our sins away and give us a clean slate. Forgiveness is not easy, in fact, I would say true forgiveness is actually very difficult. Yet it brings us, the one offering forgiveness, freedom. A way of escape from the bondage of unforgiveness.
Remember that we ALL need forgiveness. There is no one that will always get it right, never making a mistake. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. As you give grace to others, remember to give yourself some as well.
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