“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
Are You Stuck in Your Story?
Whether we’ve identified it or not, if our marriage keeps circling back to the same conflict, just dressed up in different situations, it may be that we’re stuck in our story.
Often, what feels like a “new issue” is really an old wound. Unaddressed pain becomes defensiveness. Disappointment turns into contempt. Inner vows, formed quietly over time, create distance instead of presence and closeness.
Dan Allender says it this way in The Deeply Rooted Marriage: “If we want to create a different future, we must have the courage to look at the past.”
Tammy and I were reminded of this years ago while traveling to a marriage conference near Green Bay. We landed in Chicago first before boarding a smaller plane for the final leg. That landing in Chicago was anything but smooth. The winds were strong, and as we began our approach, the pilot suddenly pulled up. We circled and tried again, twice. Each time, the conditions weren’t right.
Finally, the pilot made a different decision. He chose a runway that ran in another direction, one that worked with the wind instead of against it. We landed safely.
That moment has stayed with me.
Tammy and I can relate. There’s no shortage of examples where we chose to keep circling a conflict rather than do what was necessary to experience a safe landing. I think of the many times we wanted to change each other, unwilling to consider the sinful humanity we ourselves were bringing into the conversation.
But when the Holy Spirit gently convicts, our posture changes. We stop working against the wind and begin working with it. The Spirit gives us the ability to be kind, gentle, forgiving, and present.
Too often in marriage, we keep circling the same conflict, hoping this time it will land differently. But wisdom isn’t found in repeating the same approach, it’s found in reassessing the conditions and choosing a better path forward.
Scripture reminds us: “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)
We may have a plan for how our marriage “should” work, how conflict “should” resolve, or how our spouse “should” respond. But God, in His grace, sometimes redirects us, not to frustrate us, but to guide us toward safety, healing, and growth.
A different future may require a different approach.
A new landing may require acknowledging the winds we’ve been flying against.
And real freedom often begins when we stop circling and invite the Lord to establish our steps.
Reflection Questions:
What conflict in our marriage feels like we keep circling?
What part of my story might be influencing how I respond today?
Where might God be inviting us to trust Him with a new approach?
God created marriage. He can make it work, even when the winds are strong.
Helping Each Other Up: Emotional Health in Marriage (Part 1)
