Shelly Foshee
Sex is a subject that most of us are very curious about, yet we find it very hard to talk about. Why can’t husbands and wives communicate openly and honestly about this beautiful, intimate act that God Himself created? In many marriages, sex is the best kept secret, which is exactly what the enemy wants. We may think our marriage is good, but we are missing a key element when sex is not openly communicated about. The author Randy Alcorn says it like this, “We shouldn’t be ashamed to talk about what God wasn’t ashamed to create”.
From the beginning, we have been taught that sex is to only be talked about in secret, with voices lowered and as few words as possible. This early on training may have come from our parents, or from the locker room. Then to add to the tearing down of healthy sex talk, we have the influence of the world through media and ungodly influences. It would be easy to believe bad messages about sex.
It can be awkward and uncomfortable to start a conversation about sex. For many reasons, especially in Christian circles, we have taken a wrong perspective about sex. We don’t understand the true purpose in it. Speaking about our naked bodies and what we like and do not like does not happen naturally. I believe this is a scheme of satan to distort the ultimate act of intimacy between a husband and wife. Why wouldn’t he? He is the author of division. He has to hate healthy sex lives (the ultimate act of unity and oneness) between married believers.
For individuals that have been reared in Christian homes, we have been taught that sex is sin. It’s not something anyone should be thinking about, much less doing. It has been drilled into our heads that there is a definitive line drawn in the sand concerning sex. You are made to feel that if you intend to be Godly, you need to stay away from sex. Yet, once you are married, you now live in a different world and can and need to have sex with your spouse. This mental shift can sometimes make things complicated, especially for females.
Our tendencies toward serving ourselves can take over every part of our lives, especially our sex life. God created sex for both husband and wife to enjoy. When one becomes obsessed in finding their own fulfillment and not looking to bring pleasure to the other, conflict can quickly arise. It has been shown that women are largely relational, being motivated by romance. Tender, caring acts enhance a woman’s desire to be with her husband. Men on the other hand, are motivated by sight and physical dimensions of the relationship. What they have weighing heavy on their minds will not inhibit their desire to have sex. Much of whether sex is on a wife’s mind depends on her mental state. So you see, we are made differently. We should be aware of these differences and move towards what we know our spouse needs.
Being selfless in our sexual expressions brings optimal success for both partners. There is much of scripture that points us to thinking about others above ourselves. God has a beautiful purpose in revealing this to us in His word. I believe that when we learn to truly serve our spouse, we create a funnel that pours out an attitude of serving others outside our home as well. This teaching about serving others is one of those “flip the script” principles of Christ that shouldn’t make sense, but is foundational in our walk with the Lord and brings us so much joy and satisfaction.
A recent Barna research study revealed that 54% of Christians consume pornagraphy, compared to 68% of non-Christians. Startling, 75% of Christian men and 40% of Christian women engage with porn at some level. There are so many bad consequences for choosing pornagraphy. Here are just a few verses from Proverbs alone that deal with it: Proverbs 5:20-23, Proverbs 5:18-19, Proverbs 6:27-29, Proverbs 7:21-27.
Pornagraphy is infidelity….period. If we open ourselves up to this, we are opening the door of destruction to our marriage. There is always a way of escape with Christ. That escape has been provided. You just have to make the decision to repent and shut that door.
Sad to say that today the majority of people entering into marriage have already had sexual experiences. Past sexual scars can inhibit sexual intimacy. Feelings of shame can impair unity. Expectations, good or bad, that have been perceived can lead to disappointment and disunity. Inviting the Holy Spirit into your sex lives, repenting to God and each other can bring the grace needed to move beyond these old experiences and enjoy fulfillment in each other.
Any one of the above could be baggage you bring into your marriage. We may be okay with talking about our bad habits, or personality quirks and work through those issues openly with each other, but if we are not willing to talk about our sex baggage, we are missing out! Your marriage is not reaching its full potential or capacity.
Each of these, barriers can leave us confused and insecure. We may not struggle with all of them, but I can safely assume each of us has or does struggle with at least one of them. This can leave us confused and insecure. Making sex talk feel like we are walking on eggshells around our spouse. Thanks be to God, that scripture is clear about God’s creation and purpose in sex between married partners.
The above are all reasons we should look to God’s word and trust Him concerning our sex life. I cannot talk about God’s word and sex without bringing Song of Songs up. When I studied this book, I was surprised by the passion expressed between Solomon and the Shulamite woman. Looking further, I realized that there was a lot of communication about sex between them. In fact, the book is full of it. Solomon and the women talked equally. It wasn’t just Solomon, but they both were very expressive with their words. There is lots of flirting going on in this book! This book is not an accident, but has been given to us to learn what God desired to see between a husband and wife. That sex was created by God and we should experience pleasure and joy in it.
Not only in the Song of Songs, but also in I Corinthians 7 we see that God tells us to prioritize time, and create a safe and private place for sex. Yes, there can be spontaneity, but in some seasons of our lives, we will need to calendar our intimate encounters, or time will pass by and before we know it days have turned into weeks without us coming together in intimacy.
The first time going through “Two Becoming One”, I saw that in Deuteronomy 24:5 instruction was given to the newly married men to take a year off and stay home and bring happiness to your wife. What?? Could you imagine having a year together to learn about each other? Notice the “bring happiness”…those words refer to sexual pleasure. God put an emphasis on developing consistent sexual habits from the minute they said “I do”. Our culture does not work that way, but we do get honeymoons. Continue our intentionality towards mutual satisfaction for as long as we are married. Until death do us part.
Starting right at the beginning in Genesis, we see that God created sex for reproduction, to create life, to have babies. God could have chosen to create life in another way. He is God after all! So, I believe it is important that an understand that life is created through this very intimate way. Sadly, many think that is the sole or main purpose, but how deceived they are!
Again in Genesis we see that God created sex to make us one in marriage. I do not think that we only become one the first time we have sex. It is not a one and done event. I believe that each time a husband and wife are intimate it brings them into oneness each time. What a gift He has given us. The world will do its best to pull us apart on a daily basis. This act has the potential to keep finding “us”, to keep bringing us into one.
Genesis 4:1 says “Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain”. Scripture often refers to the sexual act as “knew”. This is not an accident. If we are communicating healthily about sex with our spouse, it is a way of knowing them like no one else. This word “knew” in Hebrew is yadah. It is a deep, most intimate kind of knowing. Bringing more intentionality and thoughtfulness into our bedroom, brings a deep understanding of each other. Please understand that this intentionality and thoughtfulness needs to be brought into all areas of the relationship in order for God’s plan for your marriage to be completed. If we cannot talk about sex with each other, we will never truly come to “know” each other.
In II Samuel 12:24 it states that David comforted his wife by having sex with her. This may sound odd to you, but there is clinical research that proves the release of certain hormones that take place through physical contact with your spouse can release stress and bring healing to your body. Sex can remind you that you are known and loved for who you are. That you have one person in the world that cares deeply for you, which can bring a feeling of comfort and peace.
The scripture we mentioned above, I Corinthians 7, also states that we should have regular, mutually satisfying sexual contact in order to protect our marriage. In doing this we will close the door to the enemy tempting us to be unfaithful. If those desires are being met appropriately at home, we will not go wandering elsewhere to have them fulfilled.
Using the title of an old song, “Let’s take back what the enemy has stolen from us” in our marital bed. Allow uncomfortable and awkward conversations to be had. Repent of old sins and close the door to new ones. Permit God into our bedrooms and shift the old mindsets to align with His purpose and intent for sex in our marriages. I truly believe when Christian married couples will take action in this area, we will see a shift in the Kingdom of God. We will better reflect God’s imagine. Our families will be healthier and our kids will be happier.
If you want more information on this subject matter read chapter 12 in “Two becoming One”. https://www.christianfamilylife.com/product/two-becoming-one-2018/
Listen to this podcast: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0FGp4ne5hnhYiKhFIvhZaB
Alcorn, Randy. The Purity Principle: Chapters 5 and 6. Eternal Perspective Ministries, 6, March, 2010,
https://www.epm.org/resources/2010/Mar/6/purity-principle-chapters-5-and-6/.
Alcorn, Randy. Övercoming Pornography Use and Restoring Sexual Wholeness in the Church. Eternal
Perspective. Eternal Perspective Ministries, 12, March, 2025,
https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/#search/smeredith%40christianfamilylife.com/WhctKLbVhgBDFtGjTHgtbthhkdNdDfNFhklltBTSdPMJQCSkjKqPlKKZCSndGVWJGpDMWmb
Meredith, Don and Sally, Martinez, Roland and Tammy. Two Becoming One. Christian Family Life, 2017.
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